Tag Archives | sacrifice
May 14, 2012

16



What's It Worth?

Mother’s Day Lesson: Make the Sacrifice

From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
- Mother Mary

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
- John 15:13

This is a long post. It’s Mother’s Day, and I think it deserves a lot of attention.

In my last post, I shared about my conversation with Carlos Antonio and how he recounted his marriage talk with his 6-year old girl, Bella. You may read it here: Walk Me Down. This is sort of a part-2 post but switching gears for Mother’s Day because during our conversation, I started teasing Carlos that Bella got her incredible emotions and sweetness from him. For those of you who don’t know Carlos, he is a very gentle, kind, very welcoming, understanding, tactful, patient, forgiving, very thoughtful, sweet, and emotional guy, which basically means he’s everything girls complain that their man is not, and which also means, I have a looong way to go, a looong way to go.

Anyway, back to Carlos.

The interesting thing about his friendly personality and approach to life, is that his whole family is like that. I was classmates with his sister, Janelle and have met his brother, Gerard, and they’re all incredibly nice people. So I told Carlos, with admittedly some envy, “You’re all so nice. You, Gerard, Janelle, you’re all such amazingly sweet people, and now your kids are super sweet too. Even your mom…”

And that’s when I realized, the fruit truly does not fall far from the tree. They were nice, incredibly nice, because their mother, Tita Ditas, had modeled that lifestyle to them. From what I remember of Tita Ditas, since I haven’t seen her in a long time, she is very prayerful, always full of joy, loves people, loves to serve, and hardly ever negative. She reminds me of another great mother I admire, Doris Albornoz, who raised one of my childhood best friends, Zach.

Before leaving for the US a few weeks ago, I spent some time with Zach, his wife, Rinka, and their new baby, Malaya, who I happen to be a godfather to. We talked about how our lives have changed from when we were kids, how we now have to take responsibility for the outcomes of our lives, and in his case, his family. I was looking at their new baby, their new loft, and I was incredibly happy for my friend. Driving back, I remembered how his mother, Tita Doris, would drive him to school in a really old car, how she would wait for him and his sister, and how she was also able to help, along with my mom, in Sunday School back in the 1990s, how she met with other women and encouraged them, and how she managed to be in every wake and every funeral to comfort people. Tita Doris remembers everyone’s birthday, and come to think of it, Zach does too. On the outside, Zach looks like he crushes people to a pulp for a living, but when you see him with his family and hear about his insights, you know that this person has depth. I credit that to the perseverance and prayerfulness of his mom.

 

Sacrifice
When I think about Carlos and Zach, and how they’ve become deep responsible adults who not only take care of their families, but also play a part in their community, I think about the mothers who raised them.

See, I haven’t mentioned that both Tita Ditas and Tita Doris are single mothers. For whatever reason, they found themselves in a situation that wasn’t ideal, and even more, a situation that was very difficult. But they overcame their circumstance with faith, with hope, and, the greatest of all, love.

They didn’t rely on a man, their men had let them down. They didn’t rely on the money, they couldn’t because they didn’t have it. They didn’t rely on their superior strategy, there is none with kids. There was no assurance that their hard work would pay off, I remember Zach and I getting into all sorts of trouble as young men. They overcame by their faith in God, they held on to their hope for their families, and they showed their love through their sacrifice.

I remember my own mom and the sacrifices she made to raise my brothers and I. What a lot of people don’t know is that before we were born, my mom had a copyrighting business. She was brilliant, incredibly creative and a UP scholar. She didn’t become a full-time mom because she couldn’t get another gig. She just knew that she wanted to be with her kids, and we were more than a handful. Yesterday, while at the supermarket with my mom, I remembered how I once crashed the cart through an exhibit of stacked Nescafe bottles. That must have been incredibly embarrassing for her. She also used to tell me of when she used to cry every night because of my stubbornness and temper. I’m not going to mention our adult stubbornness but there’s a lot of that too.

But the point of all of this is one word: sacrifice.

People don’t like that word today. That word conjures images of altars, dead animals, and a lot of suffering. People today have a romanticized view of life. They see a few celebrities living it up and they think that’s what life should be like. We see that in parenting as well. Who doesn’t want to become a glamour parent who looks hot, has money, wears the right things, and gets all the compliments? While there’s nothing wrong with any of these things, none of these have anything to do with being a great parent. If you have these, great. If you don’t, it’s just as great. What’s important is that we put our children first, by that I mean we put their well-being, their character formation, their education and development before our own needs and desires.

That’s tough! Which is also why they should be honored. But honor them for the right reasons don’t glamorize them.

When I look at examples of great mothers, they’re usually under-appreciated, but fulfilled. They understand the joys of sacrifice because they see it very differently from people like me who can be more selfish.

Sacrifice is not weakness. it takes more strength to say give me your load. It’s much easier to delegate child-raising to others.

It’s not stupidity, it takes wisdom to know that someday, all the bags, all the pampering, all the parties, all the society photos, all the vacations, all the workouts and fat lost, all the compliments in the world, will not come close to the fulfillment of building a family that loves each other. It’s a longer term investment, and it is difficult, but as any value-investor will tell you, you have to give it time.

All the successful people I know, in any field, made sacrifices to get to where they are. It makes complete sense to make the biggest sacrifices for the people we love most.

 

Reward
A few years ago, while attending Zach’s wedding, I remember him taking the microphone and begin honoring his mom. I had never heard him talk that way about her before, but on that day, the day his mom was giving him away, Zach went on and on about just how much he loved his mom and was grateful to her for all the sacrifices. All along, even during the times that seemed like he didn’t care, he was seeing his mom’s sacrifice and it was making its mark. I remember the way Tita Doris looked, and I don’t think she was wishing she spent more time at the salon or at the mall. I don’t think she regretted missing out on parties or never owning a Birkin. I don’t think she was complaining about not having more facials or a nicer house.

No. Not even close.

She was radiating. She had made the right investment. She knew that there’s only 24 hours in a day, she had to devote as much as she could to her family. She knew that there’s only so much energy, so she invested it in pickups and service. She knew there was a window of opportunity that closes little by little as a child grows, so she prioritized.  And at that moment, listening to Zach, we were all witnesses to the return on her investment : his love in loads. She was investing wisely all along.

My mom never became a self-made woman. She never really had her own money, and instead relied on my dad’s income which wasn’t always enough. She traded her career in writing to wipe asses and teach her sons not to say, “Son of a Bi***”. (That really must have hurt on hindsight.) I’m not too sure if my mom’s investment has paid off for her. I look at my own life and the patchwork of good, bad, and ugly decisions and wonder how things are going to work out. But someday, I know, people will call her blessed because there’s love, and  that’s what makes anything worth it.

Don’t overestimate the glamour. It’s not worth it.

Don’t underestimate the grind. It’s a lot of work.

Make the sacrifices. It will pay off.

Reap the love. It’s worth it.

February 29, 2012

0



Thoughts of a Lost Boy

Little Of Me

Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may name thee my all.
Let only that little be left of my will
whereby I may feel thee on every side,
and come to thee in everything,
and offer to thee my love every moment.
Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may never hide thee.
Let only that little of my fetters be left
whereby I am bound with thy will,
and thy purpose is carried out in my life—and that is the fetter of thy love.

- Rabindranath Tagore

January 8, 2012

2



Thoughts of a Lost Boy

False Love / True Love

In false love your aim is to use the other person to fulfill your happiness. Your love is conditional: You give it only as long as the person is affirming you and meeting your needs. And it’s nonvulnerable: You hold back so that you can cut your losses if necessary.

But in true love, your aim is to spend yourself and use yourself for the happiness of the other, because your greatest joy is that person’s joy. Your love is unconditional: You give it regardless of whether your loved one is meeting your needs. And it’s radically vulnerable: You spend everything, hold nothing back, give it all away.

…nobody is actually capable of giving true love. We want it desperately but can’t give it…

… All our love is somewhat fake. How so? Because we need to be loved like we need air and water. We can’t live without love. That means there’s a certain mercenary quality to our relationships…

… What we need is someone to love us who doesn’t need us at all. Someone who loves us radically, unconditionally, and vulnerably. Someone who loves us just for our sake. If we received that kind of love, that would so assure us of our value, it would fill us up, that maybe we could start to give love like that too…

… Who can give love with no need? Jesus.

From King’s Cross by Timothy Keller

December 9, 2011

0



Thoughts of a Lost Boy

Your Assurance

If you’re alive to make money, to be famous or be comfortable, you may or may not succeed. You may strike oil or you may hit dirt. You may win praise or gather shame. Your fulfillment, your return, is based on how much you have earned or garnered or collected. But if you’re alive to build value for others, you can be reassured that in your quest, though you’re victorious or fail, through perseverance, humility, and courage, you will inevitably build value for yourself. And someday, you can be sure, these valuable experiences, lessons and growth will serve you well as you continually undertake this most noble of purposes: to glorify your Father by truly, concretely, greatly loving others.

December 8, 2011

0



Thoughts of a Lost Boy

I Must

I must make company with myself and find strength within. There is no help on the horizon, so to the hills I must gaze. Man forgets man, yet I must remember. I must give when I lack. I must serve when I need a hand. I must shine a light when I am lost. I must sing a song of thanks in sadness. I must hope when there’s none. I must care though others don’t, and go further than most will. I must remind myself that He will come though my soul won’t stay still.

December 1, 2011

0



What's It Worth?

Passing the Other Side

I was reading on the Good Samaritan, and as I read other versions, I came across this paragraph on Wikipedia:

Priests and Levites
In Jesus’ culture, contact with a dead body was understood to defile one. Priests were particularly enjoined to avoid uncleanness. The priest and Levite may therefore have assumed that the fallen traveler was dead and avoided him to keep themselves ritually clean. On the other hand, the depiction of travel downhill (from Jerusalem to Jericho) may indicate that their temple duties had already been completed, making this explanation less likely, although this is disputed. Since the Mishnah made an exception for neglected corpses, the priest and the Levite could have used the law to justify both touching a corpse and ignoring it. In any case, passing by on the other side avoided checking “whether he was dead or alive.” Indeed, “it weighed more with them that he might be dead and defiling to the touch of those whose business was with holy things than that he might be alive and in need of care.”

That last sentence keeps ringing in my mind.

“It weighed more with them…”

It weighed more to stay ritually clean. It weighed more to stay culturally right – which wasn’t a bad culture, they were priests and Levites. It weighed more that they stayed safe. It weighed more that they weren’t inconvenienced or threatened. All of these, the rituals, rules, roles, hassle and danger, weighed more than the person.

May I be like the unsafe, unclean, and culturally-rejected Samaritan that pleases my Lord.

October 15, 2009

0



What's It Worth?

The Bullet or the Cannon Ball

I’m sitting beside an older couple as I type this. They looked very familiar when they walked in but I couldn’t remember where I had encountered them before. Until she moved closer to him, into his embrace, and then I remembered:

‘Light Bulb Flashing’

This was the couple making-out at a café Benjo and I visited one evening. Seems like they didn’t get their fill. Seems like they’re still crazy about each other. That’s a good thing I guess.

Good for Phyzer.

Some of you didn’t get that. Good for you.

Very distracting thought.

Anyway, before the dark side of my mind takes over, I’d like to share something more beneficial. It’s an idea I like to call “The Bullet or the Cannon Ball?”

One of the things I am most thankful for is the opportunity to dwell in multiple worlds and glean from different perspectives. I’m grateful that I get to participate in board meetings with individuals much older, more experienced, and much much more intelligent than I am, but I’m also very happy for the time I have with the kids (not my kids, though I wish I had five), who also are incredibly insightful though they don’t know it. I also benefit from being able to move between business and non-profit worlds, experiencing the resource rich world of value creation, but also being able to immerse deeply in poorer communities in another form of value creation. Other than just the old and young or rich and poor, like most of us, my different interests and efforts have introduced me to other circles, opening doors for a diverse range of participations.

And it is in the process of meeting my responsibilities in these different circles that I first started thinking about whether I would rather “bite the bullet now” or “swallow the cannon ball later”.

Because inevitably, whoever we are, whatever we do, something is coming at us – life is coming at us – and we need to know how to meet it.

I was once sitting in a meeting with people from a very reputable company. They had done very well, had grown immensely the past few years, and as is many times the case with companies enjoying a successful term, recent history took the place of total history. In other words, the good times covered over the memory of the bad times. And while it’s nice to have happy thoughts, we need to keep a complete picture that teaches complete lessons. In the course of the meeting it became apparent that we had to make some changes. What had gotten us this far, the past success, the past innovations, the past practices, even the past heroes (people responsible for the growth) would not take us further – they were actually threatening to drag us down. This is a completely natural reality of life – everything changes. A hungry baby can wait for his mom’s breast to feed. A hungry man needs to get a job to eat. (He can also go for the boob but that won’t do him any good. It won’t give him the needed nutrition. The supply might not even be there. It might even land him in jail.) As circumstances change, needs change, and solutions also must change. What’s important is the principle: both a baby and a man need nutrition, what changed is how that need is met. In the same way companies must be able to protect the principle, or principles, what is called core values, even as almost everything else around changes.

To make a long example short, we didn’t apply the necessary changes. I don’t remember if we found the changes to radical, too painful, or if we ended up just being complacent. I think it was a mixture of things, as well as a desire to protect our individual interests – interests that no longer benefited the company as a whole. But a few years later we would meet again and discuss essentially the same issues, only now having morphed into something much larger – something much more dangerous.

Enter the idea: “We should have bit the bullet before. Now we have to swallow a cannon ball.”

From Companies to People
Sometimes what’s true for companies is also true for us. Companies are made up of people after all.

I find that there are also many bullets I have to bite on a personal level and on a daily basis, some small, some big, and some have grown scarily huge simply because I never took them seriously – seriously enough to deal with them. There are a lot of disciplines I undertook early and now serve me well and bring me a lot of fulfillment such as work, reading, and playing the piano. But there are also things that I have indulged in, such as sleeping late, my temper, self-pitying in depressed moments, as well as areas where I lack discipline and self-control, that now hurt me simply because I never dealt with them.

I guess the main aversion to biting bullets is the pain and discomfort they cause. Aside from pellets and paintballs, I have never been shot. I don’t intend to find out how it feels to be hit by a real bullet, but I’m pretty sure it’s excruciating, or it can be painless – but only when it means you’re dead.

What does it mean to bite the bullet? It means to endure something with fortitude. To complete the thought, it means to do something unpleasant for the purpose of bringing forth something better.

There are many unpleasant things we will have to do, things that require discipline, sacrifice, and even pain. But these are necessary ingredients of life. They are actually inevitable price tags to being alive. We will pay a price. It’s only a question of whether we pay now, while we have discretion, or later when the circumstance limits our options to more painful choices. Sometimes the situation will force our hand. Sometimes it won’t, but like an unfelt gunshot, that probably means we’re dead.

No pain no gain as they say. Also true is, no pain, no discipline, no hard right decisions, no sacrifice today doesn’t just mean no gain, it means more pain tomorrow.

When I find myself having to bite another unwanted bullet, I just ask myself, “The bullet or the cannon ball?” Hopefully I’ll always choose the bullet, because a bullet may pierce my throat but a cannon ball will tear my head off.