Slowly to the Grave

It’s no secret that I have a hard time sleeping. I pass the time by reading, painting, and writing, and sometimes, by entertaining myself with my own imagined fiction.

Slowly to the Grave
Nothing stay still in this gust. Not the leaves of the hedges, not the swaying trees, not my dry hair, nothing. My soul fits perfectly in this imbalanced environment, it rests restless with the night.

“Hi.”

I look up to see this fat little girl standing in front of me looking like stacked marshmallows in a girl’s dress.

“Hi.” I murmur back.

“I think you can help me.”

“Help you? I can’t even help myself.” I think to myself as I tell her, “How can I help you?”

“My Mumu is dying. I don’t know what to do.”

“Kid. Everyone is dying. You don’t notice it now. You’re young. But someday you’ll remember what I’m telling you. Every single one of us is dying. Besides, I don’t know and don’t care what a Mumu is.” I can feel my already painful chest tighten as I say this.

She starts to cry.

“Don’t…”

That doesn’t console her.

“I don’t want my Mumu to die.”

“Why’d you ask me? Why don’t you ask someone else? I’m sure someone will help you save your Mumu.”

“No one wants to help me!” she shouts back. “I’ve asked everyone!”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone!”

“That’s impossible! No one knows everyone.”

“Everyone I know!”

“That’s still impossible.”

Now she really starts to cry, burying her oversized head into her small hands. Her sobs are heavy and snotty. I see puffy red eyes when she wipes her tears on her sleves. I don’t know why I feel sympathy for her, it’s not like I’ve been shown much in my lifetime. Come to think of it, the only “pathy” I ever got was my ex-wife’s a-pathy. But for some reason I find myself kneeling down, and with hands on each of her shoulders, I look into her eyes and tell her, “So where can we find Mumu?”

A few short minutes later, holding my hand, she leads me to a garden of thick gnarled trees. I’ve left a trail of bloody spit behind us. I wonder how much I have left.

“There’s Mumu.” she says pointing to the dark spot we approached.

I didn’t know how to tell it to her, so I said it straight, “That looks pretty dead to me. Your Mumu, whatever it is, is dead.”

The Shadow of a Giant

I ducked into what seemed like a tent to escape the storm. I was drenched, hungry, and most of all exhausted. I don’t remember much as I soon fell into a deep sleep, but I do recall my tent turning and enveloping me, muting the howling of the angry wind. I didn’t know then what I would soon find out: I was sheltered in the shadow of a giant.

The Professor’s Daughter

“I see your selection of books hasn’t improved.”

“David!” She stood up and embraced me.

I took her book, “What’s this? Toilet paper?”

“That happens to be a classic. You haven’t changed. Not one bit. But your hair, we need to do something about your hair.”

“I like my hair.”

“YOU do. The rest of us that have to look at your coiffure don’t.”

“Coi what?”

“Your hair, David. Your hair!”

This was Isabel, the professor’s daughter. Her father used to teach economics at some small college. He could have easily taken a job in one of the more prestigious universities but never did. He enjoyed the simplicity of provincial living. He once told me, “David, remember this, the whole point of moving away, is to get away!” He got his way and went away. His wife, Isabel’s mother, also got her way – away from him. Her photos still cover the professor’s walls more than eight years since they separated. I asked him why he leaves them there and he answered, “Why not? I’ve been surrounded with ugly things my whole life why stop now?” Isabel, he said, was the only beautiful thing he had. That she was – beautiful.

“You’re staring, David.”

“Oh… Sorry…”

That Day

I stare out the right backseat window as we navigate the vehicle and pedestrian filled streets of Manila. It’s raining here too. I think about all that has happened today. It’s been another long day.

“Where to, sir?” My driver’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Straight home?”

I look at the man seated in the driver’s seat. He’s a good man. Not perfect, but good. Young, hardworking, expecting a child, in love, he’s a blessed man where it really counts. It’s the thought of people like him, their families, their needs and dreams that urges me to work harder, to prevent failure, to make a larger contribution.

“Rockwell. Let’s have dinner.”

Content with my instructions I allow myself to drift back to hours earlier, staring out another drizzle spotted window…

I like watching the raindrops slide across the glass and disappear into each other. Too much of my life is repelled when it collides. It’s nice to see something coalesce. None of them are bumping on this particularly fast train though. They’re all sliding in the same direction past my line of vision to who knows where, just like they did on the flight coming here. This train will take me to Kowloon; from there I’ll take the bus to the Prince, and cross the street to our gold / bronze glassed office in Harbor Center. Then the meeting will begin. It will take up much of the day, but it will be worth it because we’re discussing important things. They’re important because they’re about business. And business brings money. And money is important. We’ll talk about money, how much we’re making, or how much we’re not making to be more accurate, to be even more truthful, how much we’re losing. Then we’ll talk about how we can make more, rather, how not to lose anymore. We’ll take a break for a light lunch of salad and cheese at the same restaurant in the same club we’ve familiarized ourselves with, and we’ll settle everything with a cup of tea, or coffee, or a cappuccino depending on what one feels like having. Then we’ll all separate for an hour, use the toilet, freshen up, buy more coffee, or green tea in my case, and reconvene at the small boardroom of the office.

“Sir? What was that?” Again Non’s voice sends me back to the present.

“Huh? I didn’t say anything. Did I?”

“Oh, sorry. I thought you were saying something.”

“Oh ok. No, no, I wasn’t saying anything.”

He’s very attentive. I like that. He’s a good man. He shares the name of a saint, St. Non or Nonnita. That’s got to be a plus. And it gets better. St. Non is traditionally known as the mother of St. David. I’ve learned to appreciate these coincidences. A friend once told me she liked to think of coincidences as little steps on a path bringing people closer. She had that brightness that people have when they think they’re saying something profound. That glow quickly disappeared when I told her she was right, car crashes are basically two cars coinciding.

“Why do you have to ruin everything???”

“Everything? That’s a lot of things to ruin.”

She hasn’t emailed in a while. Which is probably better for me. I’m having a hard enough time with my current inbox. She did write some great letters. Some too long I broke them down to read in parts. Some sooo long I gave them to my secretary to prepare summaries. I like bullet points. They’re easier to remember. When I first heard the term “bullet points” I thought about my professor aiming a gun at my head firing bullets named integrals, Keynes, Cuneiform, and fiscal policy.

We finished early today. One of the privileges of working with older people is that they know when to stop. There’s work, but there’s also family, and music, and painting, and health, and adventure, and food, and technology, and lots and lots of books, and mystery, and romance, yes, that too. Of course that’s not always the case, but hopefully age and experience teach us what’s important before we run out of time to enjoy them. It’s a fact that people usually know better when more of their life is behind them rather than before. Earlier at lunch my partner and I had an interesting exchange related to this:

“Gregory, I’m at a stage where my friends are getting married. I need to prepare for that possibility.”

“David, I’m at a stage where my friends are dying. I need to prepare for that certainty.”

I laughed at his remark. I realized he wasn’t joking. I pretended to cough.

I asked him about what he believed would happen to him when he died. Did he believe in heaven? In hell? I don’t know how I get away with these questions, but I do, so I keep asking. In essence he said that he didn’t believe in the after-life. That we died and only continue to exist in the lives of our children and the people we have contributed to, through our relationships, and through our accomplishments. I was sad to hear his answer. Not so much because we disagree but more because of the implications of his belief when in light of what I believe. I believe in one God and that His Son, Jesus, is the way, and that by accepting His forgiveness and turning to Him we can enjoy eternity with Him. But this, I believe, is the only way as written in his word, and not to live by it is to miss out on saving grace. So I said a prayer in my head that God would bless him and meet him in a way only God can, because I realized I had grown to love him as a mentor and as a comrade in the not so peaceful world of international business.

“Sir. Do you ever think about getting married?”

“What? Married? Yes, of course. Everyone does at some point.”

“But you don’t want to yet?”

“I can’t yet. Can’t afford it.”

“Neither can I. But we can afford what we want to afford. But that’s also because I don’t date models. Haha!”

“Very funny…I don’t date. I just have lunches and dinners.”

I thought to myself, “She could be a model. She’s striking and tall and slim. But she’d rather take pictures, which are plain at best and usually epileptic in my opinion. And she’d rather be reading a book – which was exactly what she was doing when I found her sitting on a bench in Kowloon Park.

Moonlit Escape

They’re dancing again. The waves I mean. They’re dancing to the hum of the wind, to the pull of the moon, they’re dancing for me. Every night I come here, to this cove, to try to piece my life back, to remind myself of the reasons, my reasons for living. But instead I lose myself to the night, drawn to the stars, and splashes, and rustling, the soft sand, and the whispers inviting me to close my eyes, stretch my arms, and wait for flying nomads to take me. And I can hear them coming. I can hear the breathing and flapping of their winged horses, and in my head I can see them parting the clouds leaving a trail of rainbow.

Then it ends. The winds die down, the water settles, and once again I remember that I am alone. I can hear their voices from afar, the voices of people who mean everything to me. It is funny how we can be completely surrounded yet absolutely alone at the same time. One of the million things I don’t understand.

Like every night since the first that I started coming here, I start walking back to the cream colored walls of my house. I’ve lived there for quite a while now, but it’s no longer my home. It stopped being one when living gave way to mere existence. Now, it feels like a prison, suffocating and restless. Once, I wanted a red door, but he wouldn’t let me. He said that it didn’t match. He was right. What kind of prison has a red door? But in my dreams the doors are red and the walls are pink – salmon pink, the gardens are full of all kinds of flowers, and grass, and trees, and roots, and vines, and tentacles spewing the sweetest smelling fragrance. In my dreams there are spots where the sun always shines, places where the rain and the night respect the beauty of light. Here I float to sunbathe uninterrupted. And when I want the rain, right beside the sunny valleys are pockets of clouds pouring drops continuously, not too cold and not warm, just perfect. I can even grab the silver rope that hangs from under and drag a rain cloud with me as I run across fields. In my dreams I live.

-

I drink in the morning sun as I lie on the soft grass. I never made it to the house. The ground was just too enticing. I watch a familiar story play out in my head. It’s the tale of a girl, a girl much younger than me, less sophisticated, but much happier. Vicariously, I live through her. Sometimes it feels wrong, but I really don’t know why. I think because it’s all so vividly perfect – too perfect. I wish I had someone to tell me how silly I’m being, to remind me not to chase fantasies. Of course it could also be the lover in my head that condemns me, the one who is supposed to find me, take me away, and take me. But technically he’s not my lover, he belongs to her, the girl in my dreams, and they live perfectly in their Eden.

Today she poses for him as he paints her. She playfully bares her shoulder and teases him. She likes to do that. She likes to tempt her virtuous friend. He frowns but his lips betray a smile. He is hers.

-

The sound of my name being called interrupts my daydream. I’ve been gone too long. He’s looking for me. I wish it was his voice that was calling my name. I would run to him anytime. There are people who enter our lives, and even when they’ve exited, are never really gone. They leave an impression so big, so significant, their memory outlives their presence. They become giants in our lives – the ones we love and look up to, and leave ghosts to haunt us. He is a giant. He is my giant. His ghost haunts me but I find I am not afraid. Yet there he stays, in my dreams, in a place only real to me, and again I am reminded he belongs to her.